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Dealing with Bullies
A Guide for Parents
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Bullying is something most children encounter in one. form or another. Children struggle with being called names, being picked upon, being excluded, not knowing how to make friends, or being the ones acting unkindly or aggressively toward others. All forms of bullying are abusive and all are opportunities to teach children how to get along, how to be considerate people, how to be part of a community or group. |
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Bullying can take many forms: physical, emotional, verbal or a combination of these. It may involve one child bullying another, a group of children against single child or groups against other groups (gangs). It is not unlike other forms of victimization and abuse in that it involves:
* an imbalance of power
* differing emotional tones, the victim will be upset whereas the bully is cool and in control
• blaming the victim for what has happened
• lack of concern on the part of the bully for the feelings and concerns of the victim
• a lack of compassion
Bullies are very often children who have been bullied or abused themselves. Sometimes they are children experiencing., life %situations the 't cope with, that leave them feeling helpless and out of control. They may be children with poor s social skills, who do not fit in, who can't meet the expectations of their family or school. They bully to feel competent, successful, to control someone else, to get, some relief from their own feelings of powerlessness.
Who are the victims?
Not all children are equally likely to be victimized by bullying behavior. Those, children who are more prone to be picked upon tend to have the following characteristics: low self-esteem *insecure lack of social skills,
• don't pick up on social cues
• cry or become emotionally distraught easily,
• unable to defend or stand up for themselves. Some children actually seem to provoke their own victimization. These children will tease bullies, make themselves a target by egging the person on, not knowing when to stop and then not being able to effectively defend themselves when the balance of power shifts to the bully.
Children who are not bullied tend to have better social skills and conflict management skills. They arc more willing to assert themselves about differences without being aggressive or confronting. They suggest compromises and alternate solutions. They tend to be more aware of people's feelings and are the children who can be most belpful in resolving disputes and assisting other children to get help.
If your child is being bullied
If you learn your child is being bullied, you may immediately want to protect your child and confront the aggressor. You may feel embarrassed and want your child to toughen up, to get in there and fight back,. You may feel helpless yourself. None of these responses are helpful.
Get as much information as you can about what has happened. Avoid blaming anyone, including the bullying child or children. Look at your own child's behavior and style of interacting. Ask yourself what you know about your child and how you can turn the immediate situation around.
If you are going to get in touch with the parents of a bullying child, remember that they will probably feel defensive. Keep in mind that your goal is to have a safe and nurturing environment for all of the children, not to escalate an already difficult situation.
For your own children, there are several steps you can take.
• discuss alternatives to responding to bullies.
• don't react, walk away, get help if pursued
• agree with the bully, saying "You're right." and walking away.
*be assertive.
Role-play -just as in prevention of child abuse, role-play is what makes the skills real. Actually walk through situations and have your child practice different responses. Discuss prevention techniques such as staying with other kids. Do not get involved with bullies in any kind of interchange. Don't take it personally, it's really the bullies problems that are causing the situation, not you.
Making it work
While many children spontaneously learn appropriate language and gestures, social isolates do not. Engage your youngster in conversation. Does he look and listen to you - or does he seem distracted? Is he able to add to discussions or are his comments
For school age children, engage their cooperation in developing conversation skills: attending, responding, using appropriate gestures and body language. And watch out for position.
| Learning disabled students are notorious for hovering over peers or for standing so far away as to be excluded from groups. They also may have difficulty perceiving their effect on others. Pushing, shoving, name calling and sarcasm seldom lead to positive results. |
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First, remember all learning proceeds in a step by step fashion. We can't expect Johnny to become Mr. Popularity tomorrow. For younger children, identify a neighborhood child who might become an appropriate playmate. Set up a structured activity, a special lunch at McDonald's or a short home visit centering around a particular set of toys. Careful observation will tell you just how much supervision your child needs. Keep visits brief, but make ongoing.
Parenting a bully
What every parent doesn't want to bear -your child's behaving like a bully. Your first response will probably be defensive. Disarm the situation and buy yourself some time to process what's being said. For example, "Instead of labeling my child, please tell me what happened. " Make yourself really listen. Remember that this discussion is ultimately about the well-being of your child, regardless of how its being framed.
Even if your child is behaving aggressively or acting like a bully, remember that this behavior is probably coming from your child's feelings of vulnerability. You need to look for what is going on in your child's interactions with others and what is going on internally, causing your child to behave that way. In talking with your child, DO NOT BLAME. Do not get into a discussion about the "whys" of what happened. Your discussion should focus on several key points:
• Bullying is not acceptable in our family or in society.
• If you are feeling frustrated or angry or aggressive, here are some things you can do.
• Remember to role-play, act out the new behaviors.
• Ask, how can I help you with this? Who could you go to in school if you see yourself getting into this type of situation again?
• Specify concretely the consequences if the aggression or bullying continue.
• You want to stop the behavior, understand your child's feelings, then teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
Preventing Bullying
As soon as children begin to interact with others, we can begin to teach them not to be bullies and not to be bullied. We can give them words for their feelings, limit and change their behavior and teach them better ways to express their feelings and wishes. Children do not learn to solve these kinds of problems and get along by themselves. We need to teach them.
When preschoolers begin to call people names or use unkind words, intervene immediately and consistently. In kindergarten children learn the power of exclusion. We begin to hear things like, "She's not my friend and she can't come to my party." Respond with, "You don't have to be friends with her today, but it's not all right to make her feel bad by telling her she can't come to your party. "
In the early elementary grades, cliques and little groups develop which can be quite exclusionary and cruel. Children need to hear clearly from us, "It's not all right to treat other people this way. How do you think she feels being told she can't play with you? Kids don't have to play with everyone or even like everyone, but they can't be cruel about excluding others.
Boys who are physically small or weak are more prone to victimization. Making fun, picking on and other forms of bullying need to be identified in their earliest stages. The message needs to be crystal clear: This is not okay. Think about how he must feel. How could you include him and let other kids know its not all right to treat others this way?
Children who are not bullies or victims have a powerful role to play in shaping the behavior of other children. Teach your children to speak up on behalf of children being bullied. "Don't treat her that way, it's not nice." "Hitting is not a good way to solve problems, let's find a teacher and talk about what happened.
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