Who are the confident kids - the ones willing to persevere, the ones who, despite failure, will try and try again. They're often not the brightest ones or the most popular. They're not always the best athletes or the prettiest playmates. They are the ones who are confident in their own abilities,

secure in the knowledge that they are worthwhile individuals. They know, ultimately, that efforts will be rewarded, that nascent skills will grow into real accomplishments. Problems are just opportunities in work clothes, challenges that beg for extra effort. Failures are not life long disasters but merely occasion extra effort and the discovery of new pathways to ultimate success.

What gives these children the security they need to meet life's challenges? These kids find acceptance at home. They come from environments where praise is generously given. They are participants in family chores and have responsibilities commensurate with their readiness. Each day brings new experiences, opportunities to grow and learn. They make mistakes but are encouraged to try again. What can you do to help your youngster become one of these children? Here are some suggestions.

Be a parent, not a friend

Kids need limits, firm limits. A rule is both a constraint and a guarantee of freedom. Children may need to question and rebel but they require safe, appropriate boundaries. Within these limits, youngsters thrive, becoming responsible and resourceful. Constraints structure and organize life's activities. Without discipline, children experience their environment as chaotic. A two year old bombarded with too many choices becomes out of control. An adolescent given unlimited resources and finances never learns values. Families are not democratic organizations. Parents are in charge. Only as children grow and mature, can they assume greater role in the decision making process.

Chores - Ughh.

Every family member, toddlers to teenagers is a contributor. Each has tasks which must be performed in order to keep the home the kind of positive environment everyone enjoys. Little ones may pick up toys, help wash the tub and set the table. Older boys and girls are responsible, not only for maintaining their clothing and personal property, but also for sharing in meal planning, choosing entertainment and scheduling activities. School age kids make their own lunches, perhaps helping younger siblings. Teenagers unpack groceries, stack the newspapers and toil over the trash. Each task is viewed, not as a punishment, but as the child's contribution.

A Time for Every Purpose

When you think of chores, don't forget homework. Just as we adults toil in our offices and work sites, children work hard in their classrooms. They may need a cookie or TV break before engaging in another demanding project. Establish homework routines together - setting up a schedule, identifying and organizing a workplace. Then back away. Homework is Johnny or June's responsibility, not yours.

While you're thinking of that home-school connection, remember how important school challenges are. Encourage sharing by setting up a special time each day, a private time for your child to recount schoolroom travails. Be accepting. Value feeling and interpretations.

Maybe loosing at handball seems rather unimportant. Perhaps petty middle school bickering seems trivial. But if Johnny is concerned, the problem is real and should be respected. Give him your full attention - listen, value his hurt. Then let him talk it out and solve his own problems.

Speaking of Responsibility

When everyone helps, chores become routine. A child who balks, who refuses to participate, is just not ready to be a mature member of the team. First, evaluate whether your youngster is really ready for the task and understands fully what is expected. Then adjust your standards to the task at hand. Four year olds cannot organize their lunches without frequent spills and sloppy sandwiches. Six year olds may complete their own dressing but mismatch buttons or choose garments that don't suit the weather.

Ten year olds may bike all over the neighborhood, but need help lubricating the gears. Keep in mind your goal, not the perfectly completed project but the confident, self-reliant child.

While older children should be ready to choose time and pace of family tasks, resistant youngsters need extra structure. Confer on a schedule, i.e., trash is taken out before TV. Then stick to it. Just quietly turn the boob tube off. Dirty dishes in the sink? Escort your reluctant washer into the kitchen for the cleanup. And next time, escort him or her from the table to the sink directly. Then praise that cooperation. Children need to assume responsibility for completion of their chores and, if they are at first reluctant, eliminate the choice until they are ready to cooperate.

Praise

Catch your child doing well. Find her working without reminders. See him helping his baby brother or stuffing that junk in the trash. Notice them starting homework without reminders. And if you're used to a little stinginess with compliments, set your own goals. You'll find your positive messages stimulate your children to become self-assured. You may even discover that they imitate you, beginning to leave happy thoughts with each other and friends.

We were all wonderful parents before we had children. Once we actually we confronted with our own little darlings, we discovered we were no longer experts. If you're still somewhat overwhelmed with the parenting game, if your child rearing tools seem to be a little inadequate, consider reading Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk. Using anecdotes and dialogues, this book provides the guidance many of us need to become responsive, empathetic listeners, parents who hear and respond to both content and feelings conveyed in children's messages.

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